11-11

It's hard for me to admit this, but i'm so far from being perfect. I know i carry around this sense that i have it all together and i have this great life going, but deep down inside me, i am so scared of what life is gonna bring me, and i have so many messed up things going on. I am scared beyond belief about mike going away to college. i know it's so far away but it's getting even more real every day. I don't want to lose the best thing i've ever had. I don't want to lose him when he goes away to college and i am farther away from him than i am now. i am scared that i'm not good enough. i'm scared that i'm not what he needs and that i won't be able to be who he wants me to be. it's hard enough going through this with just me and him, but adding the stress of his parents who absolutely hate me, and my parents who aren't too thrilled with this and its just terrible. I haVe been trying lately to be a better person for him. I've been trying to show him how much he means to me. But i know that why i do things with other ppl in the past is because i'm afraid to loose something so great and fall apart completely. i'm scared of feeling like i'm not good enough for the most amazing person ever. I want him to know that i care and i think that is part of why i've been doing so much for him. i want him to want to be together. and i know he tells me he knows i care but i don't show it as much as i should be. I tell him i will love him forever and i really do mean that. I will love him for the rest of my life and i dont' think his parents will ever realize that. i know that they must hate me for what i've done sometimes but i'm so in love with mike and i want what is best for him too. I can't stand the fact that they always think i'm a bad influence and this and that. I make mike happy and that should make them happy. i want him to be the best he can be and if that means that things are harder for me for a little then that is fine. I'm use to having a hard time in life, thats how i've lived. I love mike so much and i just am so scared that college is going to tear us apart. i say i'll love him forever and i will always mean that.... i just dont know what to do until then.... Just gotta keep reminding myself to live for today.