Can't get my head straigh

I dont' really know why i'm writing this right now, all i know is that this is what i need to do. I hate that i can't let this go. I hate that i cant just forget it. i can't just let those memories go, i can't just pretend this never happened. I think i'm so in love with you still that its hard for me to see you and not tell you how much i want this back. I can't just let this be friends. I want you back. I want US back. i want the cuddles, the hugs and the laughs. I loved it. I was so happy with you and i still get butterflies around you. i still wanna be yours and have you be mine. I don't want to be with anyone but you ever. You are my best friend, my love of my life and everything i cld want in anyone else. I finally got over some of the things we had. I had to learn to forgive myself for the mistakes i've made but also let go of the idea of us being together. But its like, these stupid little things pull me back to you. Pull me back to laying on the hammock together, to cuddling at every movie we went to, to kissing you so softly and tenderly. to being so in love with you again. Its like, i feel afraid that if i can't go on from here, i never will. I have all the tools to let this go and i can't. i am so glad i have had this and am so glad i will always have those memories to look back on. I guess when you have no choice BUT to be strong, you have to be right?

First one of 2010

i've never felt like this. i've never wanted to cry so hard for no real reason. I've never felt so lost in my own body, in my own world. I've been so incredibly lucky these past few years to be blessed with so many amazing caring people who have come in and out of my life. I've never realized how much life has to offer you. I've never realized that those who will always be there for you, really will be there ALL the time. My family has been incredibly supportive of me through all of these years. No matter what i have been going through mentally or physically they have been able to help me and keep me real. They have loved me through thick and thin and although i know we have all had our fights and scuffs, i know i love them more than words would ever be able to describe. I really miss having everyone around all the time like when i was little. i miss having all the people here to play monopoly with or sorry with. It's crazy to think we're all growing up and creating our own families and lives. I love you all so much!! You know, i can still remember the first time i met the person that has most dramatically changed my life. It was August 29, 2006, a tuesday. Never really struck me as a person who would change my life but little did i or anyone else know how much he would mean to me. Michael Thomas O'Bryan has been the most amazing supportive funny loving and caring person to me i've ever met. He has stuck with me through everything, and i really mean everything. He has helped me when i was sad, and laughed with me when i was happy. He has shown me things in life i'd never have opened my eyes to otherwise. he has made me feel things i've never felt before and made me believe in things i never would have before. He has shown me what it feels like to be loved for who you are and not who you COULD be. He has shown me that no matter what other people say that the only true opinions are of those involved. He has taught me how to be more humble and accepting and loving of everyone. He has kept me grounded through life. I know that things have definitely been rough at times and we fight a ton but at the end of the day, we both love each other more than before. We have learned so much together, but i know that there is so much more destined for us together in this life. "This bond between us Can't be broken. i will be here dont you cry" aahhhhh this song takes me WAY back to tenth grade english. Back when shit was SO crazy and dramatic in my life. even though i had tons of drama, i loved those years the most cuz i can remember sitting with Cassy through english and just talking about all this wierd shit going on. Or skipping french and going to Mrs Moyers to sit and talk about things. There have been so many things that Cassy has been through with me that i can't even remember it all. She went through the crapper with me for sure. I know i have been a SUPER shitty friend to her lately and i wanna change this. I miss her lots. I miss sitting in class and writing stupid letters back and forth. Or laughing at something totally stupid. I miss her being so fun and sweet to everyone, even when i wanted to punch her for it, haha. I still have our notes about all the Garry drama I had in ninth grade. And believe it or not, i still have notes from when i first started to tlk to mike. OHH my gosh they are hilarious to read now. I still have emails about Cookie Dough and Lucky CHarms and Duckface. Ahh those were the BEST times ever. I've been blessed with great friends, but i've also been blessed with some truly unique and amazing people, some mentioned here and others not. I want to thank everyone who has been here for me when i need someone and ALWAYS remember i am here for you when you need me.

11-11

It's hard for me to admit this, but i'm so far from being perfect. I know i carry around this sense that i have it all together and i have this great life going, but deep down inside me, i am so scared of what life is gonna bring me, and i have so many messed up things going on. I am scared beyond belief about mike going away to college. i know it's so far away but it's getting even more real every day. I don't want to lose the best thing i've ever had. I don't want to lose him when he goes away to college and i am farther away from him than i am now. i am scared that i'm not good enough. i'm scared that i'm not what he needs and that i won't be able to be who he wants me to be. it's hard enough going through this with just me and him, but adding the stress of his parents who absolutely hate me, and my parents who aren't too thrilled with this and its just terrible. I haVe been trying lately to be a better person for him. I've been trying to show him how much he means to me. But i know that why i do things with other ppl in the past is because i'm afraid to loose something so great and fall apart completely. i'm scared of feeling like i'm not good enough for the most amazing person ever. I want him to know that i care and i think that is part of why i've been doing so much for him. i want him to want to be together. and i know he tells me he knows i care but i don't show it as much as i should be. I tell him i will love him forever and i really do mean that. I will love him for the rest of my life and i dont' think his parents will ever realize that. i know that they must hate me for what i've done sometimes but i'm so in love with mike and i want what is best for him too. I can't stand the fact that they always think i'm a bad influence and this and that. I make mike happy and that should make them happy. i want him to be the best he can be and if that means that things are harder for me for a little then that is fine. I'm use to having a hard time in life, thats how i've lived. I love mike so much and i just am so scared that college is going to tear us apart. i say i'll love him forever and i will always mean that.... i just dont know what to do until then.... Just gotta keep reminding myself to live for today.

this week has been kinda shitty. 

this shit with Herbie kinda just makes me ultra mega confused. 

i really use to like him before i started dating mike. things ended so akwardly with matt and i and i never really let myself get over it completely. I was SOO sure i was over that whole thing we had but my god he is so sweet and funny and just knows me a lot. it kinda sucked that the shit happened that did but what makes it worse is that he likes me a lot and i kinda still got something for him. i mean, i love Mike so much i'd do anything for him but this week makes it hard cuz all of these feelings for herbie came back that i thought went away. But i just really missed his kinda humor and the way we get along.

I'd chose Mike over Herbie hands down but there is something there still that bothers me 

Plus, when he says he'd date me when he gets to know me better, it doesn't help much. i think i'm reading WAY to much into it but i can't help it rly. What sucks even more is that i kinda hope his girlfriend leaves him. It sucks. I hate this. i hate life when i get like this.